You can't move a mountain with a book of plans.

Chicago

2008-07-17T05:54:48Z

Once again I am helping my best friend make a bunch of money selling pretty things, and once again I am booked pretty solid with shit to do. I want to just rip off these pants like they were tearaways and flounce into a bunch of yallses apartment buildings but ALAS I am a responsible dude. SO here are some places I'll be guaranteed to be if you're also super fucking busy and want to breeze through my life like a lovely zephyr:

- THURSDAY: Rotofugi (on Chicago/Damen) from 6-9 for Daniel Danger's gallery opening. There will be soda and snacks and a bunch of artwork which will let you all understand why I stopped trying to be a comic artist when I met the kid in seventh grade.
- SATURDAY AND SUNDAY: At the Pitchfork fest, specifically at Flatstock, more specifically at Daniel Danger's table. Unless Boris is playing, in which case I'll be hooting and weeping somewhere near there.

Other times and places involve lugging a shitload of boxes around or pingponging between hither and thither, so call me on the legit if you want to try and work something out in the in-betweens, which I would love to do. The only caveat is that I forgot my phone charger at home, because I'm a dumbass, so keep tryin' the rang rang and eventually I'll figure out how to charge it.

excellent past google searches sorted by letter

2008-07-17T05:48:48Z

I have no idea when I started this entry but I need to finish it so that I can post something else. OK GO

A) agnostic front good charlotte tattoo
B) bitches with problems""
C) company name imprint condom
D) dolphin hairiness
E) emetophilia
F) final fantasy viii draw stat
G) gta4 bmx
H) hahaha that looks awesome, including a soundtrack by
I) im going ssj4 over you
J) justin cant drum
K) killed themselves in an oven
L) logan's run fanfiction
M) memorial day 2000
N) nethackrc color stairs
O) objectivist dating site
P) platinum bitch message board
Q) quicksilver
R) r+b video naked dude
S) silk goku shirt
T) Tandi Iman Dupree
U) ulillillia spiderland
V) vysotskiy wiki
W) windows vista also i'm deaf
X) x11.app leopard download
Y) yaoi house
Z) -nothing-
") "ANTLER PORN"

RE: POLVO 6/20 MIDDLE EAST

2008-06-21T05:59:24Z

IF POLVO ARE PLAYING IN YOUR CITY AND YOU ARENT LITERALLY STABBING AND KILLING WHOEVER YOU NEED TO IN ORDER TO GET TICKETS THEN YOU HAVE A PROBLEM NO DOCTORS CAN SOLVE

I FINALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE

2008-06-11T17:27:01Z

MY NEW FIVE-YEAR PLAN

Steal the world's first known real unicorn.
Over the course of several months, or perhaps years, gain the unicorn's trust, until we are bonded for life.
Overtake, through some means, legitimate or no, Sealand.
Utilize both Sealand's self-funding infrastructure and the unicorn horn's known magical illness-curing properties to live on Sealand with a unicorn for all time.

You guys are welcome to come visit, but let me know beforehand, since I'll probably have to install some rifle turrets and lazer mesh to keep German pirates out and unicorn thieves out.

djswifty @ 2008-06-11T11:39:00

2008-06-11T15:39:44Z

(from Nedroid)

PROBABLYS

2008-06-11T01:34:03Z

PROBABLY the best song ever written.

We had dinner, and now we drinkin Cisco

Also: PROBABLY the best song ever written.

Hello, I know that you've been feeling tired.
I bring you love and deeper understanding.
Hello, I know that you're unhappy.
I bring you love and deeper understanding.

EXCEPT that above all despite the casual racism and weird haircuts THIS is probably the BEST song ever written.

Admission, hope, dancing, extravagant hats. Word life, Lauper.

Re: Tumblr

2008-06-11T00:55:08Z

All my drafts boiled down to this:

I'm really glad that there's a tool that lets us cherrypick the best and worst from the web and lets us turn our huge smart lovely brains on it all, quicky-quick, hammer-simple. Now let's get a tool that makes it easier to pick our own brains.

I came back to nitpick

2008-06-11T00:13:39Z

From the Livejournal homepage:

food_in_fiction
For helping writers get more specific and more exotic about the foods they include in their stories.

Like, I didn't take a whole shitload of fiction courses way back to understand that verisimilitude in fiction's trappings is bypassable, and I know half of you already moved to Tumblr already¹ so this is a little like looking at half a deer beside 84 and going "Ugh, you got ants all in your fur, ugly," but there is some tiny part of me that is imagining a foodblogger hopping the rails directly to novellas and aiming their prose gastrointestinals first and now I want to preemptively suppress this. Like, "Marcella unknotted her shoulders at first sight of the edible menu." Like, "Jean-Benoit had cleverly hidden the engagement ring inside the core of the fourth flight, breast of anjou pigeon guarded by grated joselito ham and beetroot foam." Aw hell yeah, check me out getting grumpy at things I made up. It's like I never even left.

¹ Look for my thoughts on this in a mere five minutes, part of this Livejournal series, "Stephen relives his glory days of posting seven times an hour."

Proof that I forgot the login creds for Turkey Time

2008-06-10T07:10:54Z

Lessons We Can Learn From Zapped! (1982)
1) In order to attain active psychic and telekinetic powers, you need only weed, Beer-brand beer, and quick-growth formula. Maybe also an Erlenmeyer flask.
2) Jason Schwartzman was lab-grown after some prescient Hot Dude Researchers studied the first four minutes of this film and said, "Oh, well, duh."
3a) Things which were more common in the 80s:
- Necking
- Awkward conversations
- Dogs named "Alfie"
- Beer-brand beer
- Mooning
3b) Things which, while briefly of favor, are again becoming more common since the advent of Zapped!:
- Massive, Charles Nelson Rielly-style eyeglasses
- Extravagant polo shirts
- Weed
- Classic Trek
3c) Things which will never go out of style
- Breasts
- Science
3d) Things which should come back in style
- Double breast pockets
4) It is perfectly acceptable to leave terrifying marionettes in the corner of one's room, staring into middle distance, even if this room is, chiefly, where you masturbate.
5) Eye lazers will never be something that any one of us won't always secretly desire.
5b) Hence, I guess, Zapped Again!.

Dream Journal, Vol. 20

2008-06-02T14:31:40Z

I have befriended the Three 6 Mafia, and they have in turn entrusted me with the secret of Juicy J's new line of top-shelf vodkas. I am the only person besides J, DJ Paul, and Project Pat to know how it is made, and am expected to keep the distillery alive in case something happens to one of them (or, presumably, they get too high and forget).

Later that evening I receive a mysterious invitation to an old factory, which, while anonymous, mentions several events in the body that only a close friend of mine would know. I show up at the factory, alone and (stupidly) unarmed, whereupon I am ambushed by Crunchy Black, estranged ex-member of Hypnotize Minds. Quickly, in self-defense, I pick up a fire extinguisher and clock him in the head, hoping to keep him away from me long enough to make an escape. Unfortunately, in the dream I am much stronger, and manage to accidentally concuss him.

When he comes to, it's clear that I've managed to really scramble his brain, so I pull him onto a chair and apologize profusely. "No," he says, cutting me off, "don't feel bad. Maybe we've been too hard on J and Paul. Quickly -- take your formula and run. Gangsta Boo and Da Koopsta Knicca will be here any moment." I leave the factory and am immediately mobbed by the press, asking me about my recent inclusion into the Hypnotize Minds family, and as I break free I hear the wail of Gangsta Boo discovering Crunchy Black slumped over in the chair, and I run.

ADD ME ON THIS THING AND THEN LETS GO PEW PEW AT EACH OTHER

2008-06-01T02:13:12Z

Do it! Do it!

ALBUM SOON TO BE FINISHED

2008-05-30T22:34:32Z

HIT ME UP LEMME KNOW WHAT U THINK

Doin Thangs

2008-05-28T06:03:17Z

So I think I have been sort of remiss in mentioning this BUT: My band has been in the studio for a few months kicking the ass of our first record. It has been a pain and a half and I'm sure our engineer wants to just kill the hell out of us, but luckily we have been chronicling pretty much the whole thing here:

CITY SAFE PROGRESS BLOG

I dunno if this is any interest to y'all who aren't gear nerds or know Daniel and I or whatever, but at the very least there are some pretty bad pictures of me and some rough mixes and whatever. I think it's a pretty good read and I am really getting emotionally invested in this record, and not just because it is taking up all the time I had alloted for sleeping and playing GTA4. Anyhow there is an RSS feed so you might as well throw it in your computer aggregation mux thresher and wait two weeks to see if you just scroll past it looking for new ANTM posts by Rich Fourfour.

Italo Disco megapost

2008-05-26T05:49:55Z

With Jason asleep next to me, allow me to take you on a voyage to italo disco.

I could pretty much listen to this until I died.

Mario Kart Wii

2008-04-28T00:40:26Z

MYSELF: 0946 2721 3454

D. COHEN (WHERE YOU WILL SOMETIMES FIND ME AS "RACER #2"): 0044 3215 6455

DARE YOU FACE ME ON THE FIELD OF GO-KART BATTLE

Citizens and Friends Of Chicago, Prepare For My Impending Arrival

2008-04-15T17:35:36Z

A City Safe From Sea is playing Versionfest in Chicago on the 17th. The show is at the Country Club Gallery (1100 N Damen), and according to Versionfest's website the doors open at 6PM. I have literally no idea when we're playing or who else is doing anything, but we're driving sixteen hours to get there, so if you show up AT THE VERY LEAST I will let you touch my perfect butt.

We've been recording for the past month or two at Q Division (where The Obliterati, Consonant, and Surfer Rosa were tracked) and it's been one of the greatest experiences of my life -- some of the rough mixes of what we've come up with are on our Myspace (I know, I know, but it's industry-standard at this point) and I'm pretty god damned proud of what's coming out of it.

So I guess what I'm saying is: If you live in Chicago and you don't show up and see my band I will hit you with a clawhammer. Just kidding! Or AM I.

A Memetic Followup

2008-04-06T08:26:14Z

On the heels of the last one:

IRL Strangers Whom I Would Loan $300, No Questions Asked, Even If They Were Drunk:
- Kevin Fanning
- Lainey Demond
- Klara Kim
- Paul Jansen
- Vlada

Let's Try To Jump-start A Meme

2008-04-06T08:21:41Z

I had this idea just now and it seems like a great way to combine the memetic tendency of the internet with the notion that people should be lovely to each other more often. So:

A Incomplete List Of People For Whom I Would Fight A Stranger (And I Am Terrible At Fighting And Would Probably Lose), Like, An Actual Fight with the Punching -- But Who, I Suspect, Do Not Know That I Feel This Way

- Eric Marklein
- Marty Ryan
- Paul Thompson
- Adam Zavala
- Meghan Deans
- Jared Dunn
- Ang Duke

Not that I wouldn't man the fists for those of you who know my daily love, but there are some of you I think about a lot, and with fondness, and god damn if this sort of sentiment doesn't deserve to become memetic. So who would you fight.

POSTSCRIPT: I would like to amend this list to note that Lia Bualong should be on here except that I feel that she is fierce enough to make strong enemies, so I balked just in case. Lia, you may count this as double points on your scorecard.

djswifty @ 2008-03-12T01:36:00

2008-03-12T05:36:18Z

I'm pretty sure that all my internet habits have congealed in a way that prevents me from actually contributing to the internet itself except where ridiculously convenient. THIS IS PROBABLY A PROBLEM.

Dream Journal, Vol. 19

2008-02-27T14:16:17Z

I woke up this morning with a single phrase remaining from the dream:

"I also have Microsoft's only bird upgrade, Fowl Bird 2.0."

djswifty @ 2008-02-25T23:05:00

2008-02-26T04:05:35Z

The best thing is a cab driver who lets you talk to his 2 year old granddaughter over the phone, unless the best thing ever is your 60 year-old neighbor who tells you that your
common neighbor is "a shithead" and asks you if you'll come in to eat some cookies.

God bless JP.

djswifty @ 2008-02-17T07:45:00

2008-02-17T12:45:24Z

http://www.myspace.com/punkgoescrunk

I can't decide if this is just awful or if it actually hits the "reprehensible" mark! Happy Sunday!!

Dream Journal, Vol. 18

2008-02-01T17:04:46Z

But first, some records I have recently loved:

Xiu Xiu: Women as Lovers [The prettiest and, dare I say, most cohesive Xiu2 record yet. Will you people get over your weird bias about this band!!!]
Battle of Mice: A Day Of Nights [Tinkerbell, piss-on-self drunk, suddenly fronts Neurosis. This is what this band sounds like.]
Made Out Of Babies: Trophy [The former band of the singer of the above. Note: This woman's name is JULIE CHRISTMAS and she is a pretty lady and welp, now I have another celebricrush.]
Why?: Alopecia [He can just keep making these great David Bowie meets Dr. Rhythm records until I die, as far as I'm concerned. Not really as bummer as the last one, but maybe that's for the best because the last one tied itself around my neck and wouldn't leave.]
Big Business: Here Come The Waterworks [Will make you want to throw a folding chair into a truck. The best roaring I've heard all year.]
Acid Mothers Temple: Univers Zen Ou De Zero A Zero [TO BE HONEST: This is just on here because of the first track. BUT WHAT A TRACK!!!]
Harvey Milk: My Love Is Higher Than Your Assessment Of What My Love Could Be [I still don't know what the hell is going on here.]
Weedeater: God Luck and Good Speed [This is a band called Weedeater. What do you think they sound like.]

Anyway YES okay Dream Journal Vol. 18:

1) There is a really mean witch that I have to fight, aeons old and eldritch. I somehow get the tip-off that the one thing that can defeat her is weed, which leads me on a great journey to collect big dank nugs. While I am doing this, swimming into deep caverns to find that kind bud, the witch telepathically sends me anti-drug messages: "Didddd you knowww....MARIJUAAAAAANAAA can hammmmperr.....your ABILITYYYyyyy...to operate a MOTOR VEEEEEHICLE????"

2) I have to play a show at the top of a giant tree with Daniel Danger, as part of an Old Home Day celebration, but for some reason, all the songs we're playing are songs I wrote when I was fifteen. "I don't want to play 'Help Me I Am Breathing Ammonia,'" I protest, weakly. Daniel will have none of it. When we finally show up at the tree, we realize there's no way we're ever going to climb it, and we have to apologize to every resident of the small town for ruining their Old Home Day. Later, there are fireworks.

Yos

2008-01-28T09:14:01Z

<img src = "http:destructo.org/detritus/beartato-toomuchbacon.gif"?

Question of the Day

2008-01-25T21:08:43Z

Is it possible to ironically have sex? Respond in the comments.